Ugh. The vulnerability hangover, we’ve all been there right?… when you completely over analyse eeeeeverything you’ve done the day or night before. And it’s totally unrelated to alcohol. I’ve been there lots of times in the past after a few cheeky cocktails ; ) but mostly they’re not drunken thoughts, they’re personal feelings instead.
Last week I was busy working on a ‘secret’ project which was taking me way out of my comfort zone so all of the vulnerability vibes came rushing in! Not because I thought I couldn’t do it (obvs I totally can) but because it was something different and new. And I wanted it to be perfect. I spent a whole week behind the scenes planning the schedule and preparing myself mentally for the job. Which roughly translated means I didn’t eat much because my tummy was full of butterflies, I worked super long days and barely slept a wink at night, working myself into some kinda hyped up frenzy of excitement and nerves.
The job came and went smoothly, as I knew it would (can’t wait to tell you more about it but for now I’ve gotta keep it under wraps) and before I knew it, I was heading back home on the train in a quiet carriage, eating crisps and thinking. Ok, I was eatin’ crisps and a chicken sandwich and I may have scoffed a family size bag of maltesers too. But I wasn’t just thinking about how hungry I was, I was over thinking the last 36 hours .. big time. Sheesh, I couldn’t even wait until I’d got home to bed and had a few hours sleep before I suddenly woke (eyes wide open) at 3am in the morning to torture myself. This hangover wanted me now and I had a 2.5 hour journey to feed it.
Did I say the right things, gosh I talk too much, my hair wasn’t great, did I choose the right shade of lipstick, should have worn nude not red, bet my bum looked big in my jumpsuit, I forgot to say this, and that, will my face look tired, serves you right for not sleeping, was I enthusiastic enough, woah, was I too enthusiastic, could I have done better, really hope they liked me, should I have mingled more, what if I said something stupid, in my really broad Brummie accent… next time I’m gonna wash my hair on the day, and wear a different blusher, hope they didn’t catch me with my mouth wide open, my mouth’s always open when I sew, did I hug that woman too hard, no she hugged me back hard it’s all good, bet that bloke watching me down that large glass of wine at the end of the day thought I was a right lush (he’d be right) and I’ve totally over hyped the whole thing on my Instagram feed and now everyone is really excited to see what I’ve been up to and maybe it’s only a really big deal to me. Oh gosh I share too much. It ‘is’ only a really big deal to me. Who cares that I’m gonna be on… for 5 minutes, oops, It’s a secret remember!
By the time I hit Birmingham and ran into Mr C’s arms, oh, wait .. that didn’t happen, he was waiting at the wrong platform (good job I decided against capturing that romantic moment on Instagram stories) I was pretty much done with beating myself up, plus he had a chilled bottle of Prosecco waiting for me in the fridge at home so priorities right.
Coming home is lovely isn’t it? The warmth and familiar smell of being back in your zone. I drank my fizz, ate a load more snacks and hit the pillow hard. And my last thought before I fell asleep was ‘it’s so good to be back in my own bed next to my sweetheart, thank you universe for the amazing opportunity and for keeping me nice and safe, YOU WILL NOT wake up in the middle of the night or the next morning (eyes wide open) with a vulnerability (or Prosecco) shaped hangover. You did good, you know you did good. Now accept it with grace and rest. Zzzzzzzzzzz…..
And do you know what?.. I didn’t, uh uh uh, no siree (said in a sassy voice, whilst rocking my head from side to side and waggling my finger) this sister is not going there! It had it’s moment, you owned it, you put it to bed and you woke up feeling on top of the world. YOU FRICKIN DID IT AND YOU GAVE IT YOUR ABSOLUTE BEST JUST LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO! And that’s good enough.
I made a conscious decision to silence the noise and flip my thoughts towards remembering the good bits and all the compliments along the way and it was working – oh I love your jumpsuit, what gorgeous hair, I wish I had curls like that, you were great, and so organised, have you done this before, it was lovely to meet you, you’re very professional, I may need to get some red converse now too… ; ) It’s amazing how you can deny yourself the pleasure of excepting kind words when self doubt gets a grip.
You step out of your comfort zone and it feels strange and prickly and weird but hopefully it will make you stronger and teach you something valuable about yourself along the way. Experiencing something new isn’t always easy but who knows if you don’t try it, you might be missing out on the best thing ever! You’ll certainly discover what you want to do more of and what you absolutely don’t.
So next time you’re beating yourself up about what you ‘thought you did wrong’ stop and focus on all the amazing stuff you ‘did right’ you gave it your best shot and remember your vulnerability isn’t a weakness… it takes courage and strength to be yourself and being yourself is ALWAYS always good enough.
Oh and no doubt I’ll feel ‘vulnerable’ all over again when my secret project goes live, haha but that’s a whole other story right there!
Catch ya later loves, stay beautiful.